"Wait! Back Up! I Saw Something!

Last weekend my husband and I traveled to Tennessee to see our grandson (and his dad, our son).  Between the work done by my husband and son, and with summer their busy work season, it is difficult to find a weekend when both are available.  Last weekend our son was in town but had rehearsals on both Saturday and Sunday.  He said if we would come to his house he would be able to have his son for the weekend if we would be there to watch him during the day.

My husband and I jumped at the chance to have two entire days with our grandson.  He is now three and is so much fun to be around.  We spent the time watching his favorite shows, running around the yard and playing with his toys.   Although he no longer takes an afternoon nap we were able to negotiate "quiet time" each afternoon.  That was at the request of Grandma (me) because, to be honest I needed it!

We also had the opportunity to take our grandson to the grocery store.  Our son had been traveling the last two weeks so he needed a few essentials from the store.  Taking Ronan was an experience I will not forget soon.

Ronan, our grandson, agreed to ride in the cart so we could keep him somewhat contained while shopping.  We did not remember that a child in a cart is at the right level to see all the things he most desires - based on the marketing geniuses who stock grocery stores.

So as we were traveling down the aisles we often heard, "Stop!  Back up!  I saw something!"  As we would back up the cart then we would begin the negotiations.

Ronan, "I need this!  It's perfect!"

Me, "Ronan, I don't think your dad would want  you to have this super soaker.  He will need to let us know if this is allowed."

Ronan, "Yes he will, I know"

Me, "If I call Daddy will he say yes to the super soaker?"

Ronan, "Well, maybe not."

As grandparents you have to find that delicate balance between saying yes to everything your grandchild wants and knowing what will never fly with his parents.  So you learn the fine art of negotiation.  Instead of the super soaker we decided on some mustaches.

So the mustaches were used on everyone, Ronan, me, the dog.  His grandpa did not get a mustache because he already has one.   Fortunately I got mine before it was used on the dog. 

Being a grandparent allows you to get in touch with your inner child.  I would not wear a mustache for anyone else but my grandson! 

Social Media Envy

Right now it is summer semester at the college where I work.  So I am teaching an advanced level psychology class online  - abnormal psychology.  Many of my students are from other colleges and are taking this class to pick up some credits toward their academic goals. 

As a professor I am always looking for timely material that will help me make psychology relevant to my students who are mostly millennials.  I often tell them that I am a digital immigrant so for me staying connected through social media is not intuitive.

So recently I have been reading about something called social media envy.  This is a condition, that has been studied in several research articles, where those who are active on social media can develop depression based on their envy of their friends seemingly perfect lives on social media.

You know what that is like, the friends who post photos of their wonderful vacations, their beautiful and delicious meals and who have perfect, photogenic children.  As people are lurking on social media they see their friends lives which are much more fun, beautiful and more perfect than theirs.  This envy can lead to depression, "Wow, ____'s life is so much better than mine!  What is wrong with my life that it is not as wonderful as ______'s?"

Constant comparison of our lives to those of our social media "friends" who seem to have everything going for them leads those of us with just regular lives to experience envy and depression.  Believe me this is a real condition!

So what can we do?  It is important to know that those people with the perfect lives are probably just a hum drum as the rest of us.  They are just better at navigating social media!   Just as college entrance exams don't really test your knowledge but your test-taking ability.  Extensive use of social media to broadcast your perfect life is more a measure of your use of social media, and comfort with sharing your life with your friends than the perfection of your life. 

So the rest of us who don't share every little nuance of our lives are not less perfect, we just don't feel the need to constantly share, tweet, snap or whatever. 

What do you think?  Do you get envious and depressed watching the perfection of your social media friends? 

Reciprocity and Social Contracts

One of the classes I teach at the community college where I work is Social Psychology.  It is one of my favorite classes where we explore humans as social beings and how we interact with each other.  One of the theories we explore is how relationships can be seen as social contracts.  Within this theory is the belief that all relationships exist for the people in the relationship to realize something.  That may include friendships that help those in the relationship overcome loneliness.  Another example is a romance based on great sex.  This theory sets forth that all relationships are based on a social exchange system where the individuals in the relationship enter to get something and when they are no longer realizing what they desire the relationship is over.

This theory came to mind recently when I was frustrated about a my relationship with a friend. This friend is someone I worked with at my previous employer.  While we worked together we became very close friends - or at least I thought that was so.  Our jobs overlapped so we often found ourselves working on projects together and depending on each other for results in our work assignments.  Several years ago I left that employer to pursue other interests.  I stayed in touch with my friend through email and Facebook.   When I was in the part of town where her office was located I would often take time to stop by and visit.  As time went on our communication became more sporadic and the time between visits lengthened.  She recently left that same employer and is now going through a career change herself.  I sent an email to her last week asking if we could meet.  So far no response.

Now I know people change and stuff happens.  We all move on in our lives and may lose touch with those people who we consider friends.  Yet in thinking about our relationship (or lack of one) I have come to the point where I am no longer going to reach out to her.  That does not mean that if she should reach out to me in the future I won't respond.  I just will not put any more energy into reaching out to her because it seems that staying in touch is not important to her.

How do you handle relationships that have run their course?  Do you just let them go - saying enough is enough?   I have started to look at relationships in terms of reciprocity.  What am I investing and what is the other person investing?  There seems a time when you just have to say "I'm done" and move on.